Operation Kitten Calendar
Operation Kitten Calendar is a popular, mini-TV series featured as a part of VH1's series Acceptable.TV. It parodies The Apprentice, with "Mr. Robert James Bachman" as a Donald Trump-like host. Fans of the microseries voted it to be returned for a total of 5 episodes before VH1 retired it. Note: Episodes 1-4 are the competition and Episode 5 is the Reunion Special
- Sarah (Eliminated Episode 1)
- Randy (Eliminated Episode 2)
- Pablo (Eliminated in Episode 3)
- Silence (Eliminated in Episode 4)
- Dalia (Declared Winner in Episode 4, but declined the title and left)
- Episode 1:
The episode begins with Robert giving the contestants their first challenge, which is to photograph a kitten for one of the most important months of the year, December. The rules stated that it could not be of Christmas and there could be no snow. The contestants woke up at the crack of dawn to retrieve their kittens. Sarah wakes up late and ends up with the really fat, ugly cat. Sarah states that this is her dream and she can see it slipping away. Silence gets into a fight with a cat and is taken away. At judging, Robert praises Silence, Pablo, and Randy's pictures. Sarah tries to give an excuse for her bad picture but Robert retaliates by saying that she is STUMPED. Dalia is given a warning because of her weak picture. Randy is given Robert's best kitten 'Sprinklemist' for his prize of the week's best picture.
Challenge Winner: Randy
- Episode 2:
The episode begins with Robert giving the theme of this weeks challenge which is 'Leisure', but there is a twist. As they photograph their kittens they will be subjected to highly-personalized forms of mental torture. Because of Randy's challenge win (and Robert's bias towards white men) he will not be subjected to any form of torture. During Pablo's session Robert plays the sound of a piano crashing because it is both annoying and stirs up feelings about the death of Pablo's wife (by a falling piano). During Dalia's session Robert turns on a flashing light that activates Dalia's epileptic seizures, a problem that was also shared by Robert, on the basis that Kitten Calendars were a mine-field for people with that short of a condition. During Silence's session Robert electrocutes his grandmother, but does not affect Silence. At judging, Silence's photo, a kitten sitting in a hot air balloon basket entitled 'Basket Case' is scrutinized claiming that "someone loves his grandma more than his future". Everyone gets harsh feedback except for Dalia. Randy says that the reason his picture came out horrible was because the cat he was given as a prize at the end of the last episode, Sprinklemist, died during the photoshoot. Robert explains that he gave him that cat intentionally to test his skills. Randy starts to cry, followed by Robert telling him he's stumped (and fat) and to get the hell out of his sight.
Challenge Winner: Dalia
- Episode 3:
Dalia won last episode's challenge and her prize is a dinner with Robert. The date is described by Dalia as awkward. Robert then announces that the next theme is for February, a month for lovers. After he leaves Silence tries to attack Dalia because he knows that Robert has interest in her but is held back by Pablo. Silence's picture says 'Burning Passion' with two fire fighter kitties. Dalia's is a picture of two kittens on a date and one has a white wig and glasses on (it is supposed to be Dalia and Robert) and is titled 'Let's Establish Some Boundaries.'; to which Robert is taken aback. In Pablo's shoot, after accidentally ordering hearts from a medical supply magazine, is left with a picture of two kittens splattered in blood amidst dangling heart organs with the title 'Be Mine'. Robert retorts that he should have instead cut hearts out of construction paper himself, and motions that 'pussys' should be left in front of the camera, and thus eliminates Pablo.
Final: Dalia and Silence
- Episode 4:
Entitled 'End Game', the episode opens with the final two (Dalia and Silence) in front of Robert Bachman and a band he had hired 'Rhythm Over Reason'. Mr. Bachman explains that their final test will be to take a kitten photograph for August, one of the most difficult because of its lack of national holidays. Instead, they are to take a picture for Robert's birthday that will make him cry. Obviously an avid fan (as many reality contestants are), Silence believes that he is a shoo-in because of his in depth knowledge of Robert's Autobiography 'Stumped'. He explains that in chapter nine, Robert wrote about being sexually abused by his Uncle in the basement of his house, and thus recreates the scene using kittens. Dalia on the other hand has an 'epiphany' about the kitten calendar business. She understands now that they are actually 'sucking the innocence out of these beings with their machines' and sets to work on her photoshoot. The review begins after another short song by Rhythm Over Reason (adding Robert lipsincing the vocals), opening with Silence. His picture consisted of a kitten and a larger cat standing off in a dimly lit basement with the caption 'Why, Uncle Jerry?'. Mr. Bachman immediately recognizes it from his book, and goes on to confess that he had fabricated that chapter in order to make the book sales more profitable. Next, Dahlia's photo is shown of a single kitten on a plain white background sporting the caption 'What Have I Become?'. His causes Robert to backslide into doubting his life's work, ultimately deciding that he has done terrible things to himself over something that he had enjoyed doing. Silence exits without being 'Stumped' understanding that it is obvious that Dahlia won when Robert lets out a single tear, noting afterwards that he was nominated instead for an 'Alternative Lifestyle's Image Award for Raising Awareness of Homosexual Stereotypes'. Robert then announces that Dahlia has one, and approaches her with a marriage proposal. She politely declines, leaving both opportunities behind as well as a shaken Mr. Bachman, who is last seen holding a rocking position in the spotlight.
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